


The Ultimate Spoiler

by Elysium16



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Based off the DQ hero's trailer, Crack, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Mild Language, Post WoL, The Smashers take Spoiler Law very seriously, thanks Dharkon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 21:19:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19185697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elysium16/pseuds/Elysium16
Summary: It's time! Soon will come the reveal for the Smash Ultimate newcomer. Everyone is on the edge of their seats, eagerly awaiting who will be revealed. The screen flickers to life, the trailer kicks off, and—Oh.Oh dear.Well, that's...a problem.(Based off a certain scene at the beginning of The Hero's trailer. You know the one.)





	The Ultimate Spoiler

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone Else: OMG DRAGON QUEST AND BANJO KAZOOIE THIS IS SO AWESOME SO HYYYYYYYYYYPE
> 
> Me: Wait, did they just spoil Dharkon in the first seconds of the trailer?!
> 
> Yeah, I'll admit, I'm not the biggest fan of either Dragon Quest or Banjo Kazooie. I don't HATE them, and I'm grateful the fans got what they wanted, but I'm not QUITE as excited as the rest of the Internet.
> 
> Which means I can focus on other things! Like the fact that Nintendo sends ninjas after those who spoil, and yet spoils World of Light themselves during the first few seconds of a trailer... -_- Yeah, that bugged me.
> 
> So I decided to write a crackfic about it! Because...well, why the heck not?
> 
> Enjoy the show!

Link grinned as he sat down on the poufy chair, scooping up a handful of popcorn and shoving it into his mouth. Simon watched with vague amusement, and said, “Save a little for the newcomer’s reveals.”

“Sorreh. Ah’m jus’ ekited.”

“Huh?”

Link swallowed his popcorn. “Sorry,” he said, voice clearer. “I’m just excited.”

This wasn’t particularly abnormal. Master Hand had announced that today’s E3 conference would reveal not one, but _two_ of the upcoming fighters. While the Smashers had guessed and bet and argued with each other over who they could be, it had done nothing to diminish the excitement.

“We all are,” Corrin said, taking a seat beside him. “Your case is nothing special.” She plucked a piece of popcorn from the bag and ate it. Link scowled and pulled the bag closer to him, causing her to giggle.

One by one, the Smashers, Assist Trophies, and staff trickled into the home theater. Conversations quickly sprang up over who the newcomers could be, and what kind of new mechanics they could bring to the table, and which of the many fan predictions would be right. The choices varied greatly, of course—with the “game on a Nintendo console” barrier broken thanks to Cloud, and the indie barrier broken thanks to Shovel Knight (granted, he was an Assist Trophy, but still), almost anything could happen.

“I’ll be fine with whoever,” Lyn was saying to Samus. “They just have to not violate the Spoiler Law for their trailer, and we’ll be good.”

“The…Spoiler Law?” Ren said, tilting his head curiously. “What’s that supposed to be?”

Jeff quickly jumped in to explain. “The Spoiler Law is a rule every reveal trailer must follow. They’re not allowed to spoil anything— _anything_ —from Smash proper. Nobody’s ever broken that rule since it was instated, but no real harm in keeping it around.”

“Yeah, you do _not_ want to know what happens if you break Spoiler Law,” Lyn said, crossing her arms.

Ren decided to take their word for it.

Meanwhile, a few seats away, the Mario Bros. were deep in their own conversation. “I can’t find him _anywhere,_ ” Mario murmured, brow furrowed in worry. “I mean, Galeem not wanting to watch the reveal is understandable, but Dharkon wouldn’t miss it for the world! Why isn’t he here?”

Luigi shrugged. “Maybe he’s uncomfortable being around us.”

“You _saw_ how quickly he adjusted to mansion life! Something’s going on here.”

“It’s starting!” Kamui’s excited cheer brought the talk to a screeching halt. The lights dimmed, and the screen flickered to life. Everyone leaned in to get closer, waiting for that familiar…

_Click!_

The excitement rose with every second. The atmosphere grew electric, the hairs on the viewers’ necks standing on end. Eyes widened to take in every detail, fingers impatiently tapped on armrests, eager smiles pulled on the corners of mouths. The slash had just opened—the character was about to be revealed. And then—

Just like that, the excitement whooshed out of the room. Everyone stared, stunned, at what appeared on the screen.

Not a word. Not even a stunned stammer. Just staring. And staring. And staring.

Finally, the silence was broken.

* * *

“ ** _DHARKOOOOOOOOOOOOON!_** ”

Dharkon’s eye widened. “Oh, crap!” He dashed down the corridor, hearing the theater doors slam open behind him. _Crap crap crap crap crap, it wasn’t supposed to be **this** early!_ He’d thought he’d have time to escape the mansion, hide out in the forest, and wait for the Smashers’ inevitable anger to blow over, but _apparently,_ someone had futzed up on the job, showed the Smashers the stupid trailer early, and left _him_ to deal with the consequences! So _what_ if he broke the “all-important” Spoiler Law? Galeem could be showed to the public, why not _him?_

“ _DHARKON, YOU ARE GOING TO COME HERE **RIGHT NOW!**_ ” Zelda’s furious yell snapped him out of his reverie. _Thoughts later, escape **now!**_ Dharkon sped up, now regretting that his escape route involved a windowless corridor. Yeah, sure, they were all latched and he couldn’t open the stupid things if his life depended on it—which, right now, _it probably did_ —but at least glass was easy to shatter!

He rounded the corner, praying to every god he knew they weren’t chasing him—he had _no_ idea what he’d do if Sonic or Captain Falcon went after him. (Well, aside from “give up” but if he ran, he’d at least have a _chance_ at avoiding…whatever the Smashers did to Spoiler Law breakers.) Unfortunately, the “ _Everyone! After him!_ ” yelled by Robin made it clear that none of the gods had listened to the prayers.

Then again, most of the Smashers’ home universes had jerk gods, so maybe he shouldn’t’ve prayed to them in the first place.

It didn’t take long for footsteps to sound behind him, and he resisted the urge to turn and see which of the Smashers had gone after him. He _did_ hear Samus yell, “GET OVER HERE!” and promptly attempt to grab him with her Plasma Whip, so that was a pretty big hint as to one of the chasers’ identities.

“He’s heading to the doors!” Zelda yelled. Okay, that was Chaser #2, but more importantly, _How the heck did she figure that out so fast?!_ People did _not_ give Hyrule’s princess enough credit—hidden behind that charming smile was a brain that dwarfed the mansion (and the mansion was _EXTRAORDINARILY_ big, if the sheer amount of times he got lost during his first few weeks there were any indication).

Dharkon rounded the next corner, dodging a Din’s Fire and an Explosive Flame (apparently, Palutena had also joined the Chaser Squad). He almost cheered in relief when he saw the railing separating the second floor from the foyer, and sped up to get there faster.

“Stop!” someone yelled—Dharkon had foregone keeping track in favor of _getting the heck out of dodge._ As you can probably tell, Dharkon did not listen. Instead, he grabbed onto the railing with two claws and hurled himself over it, internally grateful for Spirits’ natural ability to float. He rushed towards the door, and was only a few feet away from freedom—

At which point Joker just came in out of nowhere, rolled in front of the door, then shot to his feet, gun pointed straight at Dharkon’s eye.

Dharkon froze. He turned around, only to see Zelda, Samus, and Palutena, having reached the bottom of the stairs. Other Smashers and Assist Trophies began dropping in—left, right, even from the ceiling.

He was surrounded.

_…well, **shit.**_

“ _So,_ ” Link said, voice chillingly calm. “You… _broke_ …Spoiler Law.”

Dharkon suddenly became very interested in the floor.

“During _E3,_ no less.”

Dharkon’s interest remained on the floor.

“Do you have _anything_ to say in your defense?”

All that Dharkon could muster was a weak, “I can explain.”

**Author's Note:**

> I was originally going to end the story differently, buuuuuut I figured that the one I ended up with would be funnier. (At least, I HOPE the story's funny—it would be very awkward if a comedy wasn't funny.)
> 
> Elysium out!


End file.
